DOLOR
Some years ago, I had a friend say to me, “You are not just a pretty face but also a pretty heart.”
I do not remember the context of that conversation anymore, but I remember it made me smile.
Well, not anymore.
I don’t feel pretty anymore, not by heart or by looks.
I do not know what day it is.
I have lost count of the days I slept on the bathroom floor.
I cannot remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror. I’m afraid to look at myself.
My eyelids are heavy, and the dark circles beneath my eyes have found a home to stay.
Darkness sits in my heart.
I feel so much pain. Some days, in my heart. On other days, in the pit of my stomach.
I have found truce in my solitude.
Most nights, I lay on the floor and wail out silently. I hug myself and hum comfort to myself.
Other nights, I wake up from terrifying nightmares.
I no longer hear my phone ring, i am only familiar with the sound of my voice every time i cry.
The pain I feel in my heart has traveled to every part of my body. My feet are weak, and my hands are numb.
Tonight, I will stare at the hourglass on my bedside and wish time could turn its hands backward to a time I was once happy.
I wish the Clock could go faster to a time when all these becomes a distant memory.
Tomorrow is another day.
During the day, i put on a mask of pain.
The mask that conceals the hurt behind my eyes and the pain in my heart.
I’ll wear a smile and temporary cheerfulness.
I’ll find humor in the silliest joke.
I would lie with ease, every time I’m being asked “How are you?”
Until tomorrow comes~
Let sadness make warmth in my heart.
