DOLOR

Adanne Royalty
2 min readJan 18, 2023

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A dark stairway
Photo by Carolina Pimenta on Unsplash

Some years ago, I had a friend say to me, “You are not just a pretty face but also a pretty heart.”

I do not remember the context of that conversation anymore, but I remember it made me smile.

Well, not anymore.

I don’t feel pretty anymore, not by heart or by looks.

I do not know what day it is.

I have lost count of the days I slept on the bathroom floor.

I cannot remember the last time I looked at myself in the mirror. I’m afraid to look at myself.

My eyelids are heavy, and the dark circles beneath my eyes have found a home to stay.

Darkness sits in my heart.

I feel so much pain. Some days, in my heart. On other days, in the pit of my stomach.

I have found truce in my solitude.

Most nights, I lay on the floor and wail out silently. I hug myself and hum comfort to myself.

Other nights, I wake up from terrifying nightmares.

I no longer hear my phone ring, i am only familiar with the sound of my voice every time i cry.

The pain I feel in my heart has traveled to every part of my body. My feet are weak, and my hands are numb.

Tonight, I will stare at the hourglass on my bedside and wish time could turn its hands backward to a time I was once happy.

I wish the Clock could go faster to a time when all these becomes a distant memory.

Tomorrow is another day.

During the day, i put on a mask of pain.

The mask that conceals the hurt behind my eyes and the pain in my heart.

I’ll wear a smile and temporary cheerfulness.

I’ll find humor in the silliest joke.

I would lie with ease, every time I’m being asked “How are you?”

Until tomorrow comes~

Let sadness make warmth in my heart.

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Adanne Royalty

A Refined Process. Expressing my thoughts with reckless abandonment.