7th NOVEMBER
My first approach at accountability happened a little late into my adulthood.
It was in year 2002. I had just turned 21 when I decided I could try dating older men. I went into a relationship with a 32 year old man.
What might had seem like a ridiculous choice to me at that point, later turned out to be a significant lesson.
Being with someone almost a decade older than me was mentally tasking.
As a first child, with a choleric temperament, I was used to being a boss of my own, making my own choices and calling the shots.
Also, being the first child is automatically burdened with the responsibility of making the right choices all the time and being the most reasonable one to the most extent.
So believe me when I say, I had always been certain of being right and reasonable at all times.
In my defense, I think twice of every action I make and I am a very thoughtful person. so its almost impossible to catch myself in a wrong decision.
Dating an older man, made me see things differently.
I felt babied most of the times and maybe for the first time I felt like a teenager.
I refused to admit I was the wrong in any instance , I wanted to have the final say most of the time and I wanted to do the talking while being listened to.
We had some many trivia arguments about almost everything. He felt I didn’t regard his seniority and I was always sure he wanted to control my life.
For every hour we had peace, we always had 5 hours of fiddling arguments and fights.
Everyday we remained partners was a miracle.
I had my transition some weeks into the relationship before our ship finally collided. We had a fight and we decided to sit out after work and talk about it. Well, the talk ended in a disaster after he got upset and threw his drink over the table as he walked out on me.
It was the 7th of November and probably the most embarrassing day of my life. I got home that evening and for very unknown reasons, I wasn’t angry or sad. Rather I kept reminiscing over the last words he uttered to me.
“You are not always right, you are not always the victim”.
Those words stuck like magnet. I couldn’t get over it and I thought about it all night.
At Dawn, I had come to a complete realization that I had evaded accountability like a plague and continuously embraced the thought that I was always right in every situation. I replayed several instances and events in the past and my vices were now very glaring.
I revised last night in my head and thought of several other ways I could have handled the situation.
If I had said “Listen” rather than “Shut up”, maybe our discussion wouldn’t have heated up and turned out sour.
Well, I still need to clarify he was a very high handed, egoistical and overbearing man.
Maybe I was the insane one in the relationship all these while, or maybe not.
But I had realized one thing, “being accountable and accepting that I am not always right” was a one way to adulthood.
I reached out for my phone to send an apology text or probably call and I smile when I see he already texted me the night before.
I hurriedly opened the message and the smile wears off my face in Nano seconds as I read the content of the message.
“You give me headaches and heartache, stay away from me Witch”.
I read those words over and over and over and over and over.
Then scenes from last night flashed through my head and I contemplated if he even deserved any apology. Even if he did, he just ruined it.
So instead, I replied.
“ASSHOLE, GROW UP”.
